i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
