My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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