i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
