i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Vodka?
Forever.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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