I just found a bag of teeth...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
