Nicole vs. Life
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
