Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
