Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
