i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
