oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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