youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
