I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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