he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
