i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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