you would pick up someone in the library
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
They are going to name an STD after you.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
