yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Your face is a jimmy john
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Randomize
