omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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