i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he thought i was a dude.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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