I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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