Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
