Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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