I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
