Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
