I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
