so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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