Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
