I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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