I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
