so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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