How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
