You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
