Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
ttyl tear gas
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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