2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
