The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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