so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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