woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We left the knife in your bed.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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