my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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