I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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