Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
