i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
