fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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