I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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