then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
