First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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