I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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