My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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