it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he shaved USA in his pubs
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
