So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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