it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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