Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
