And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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