I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
