why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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