If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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