Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize