After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
