she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
