on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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