The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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