I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Randomize
