ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
